Thanksgiving dinner just got easier! With government-mandated lockdowns back in the news, you won’t have to cook an impossibly large bird in your oven overnight or have a house full of people who disagree on everything from religion, science, and politics!
What what if you could do it virtually AND avoid the arguments?
Facebook is here to help!
At the 2020 CIB Electronics Conference, Facebook announced an update rollout for all of their consumer, in-home devices. “With governments canceling Thanksgiving family gatherings we realize this is the time for our devices to step up and truly help the family.” said spokesperson, Ty Gnee Dickerson as he addressed the virtual CIB crowd. “Our Facebook devices can help you stay connected with your loved ones.”
“In addition, our newest feature will put an end to those awkward family conversations! No longer will you have to suffer Uncle Fred’s rant about the election or your bigoted brother’s jokes about people using the wrong bathroom at the store. Today we are implementing a filter we call, ORWEL — which stands for On-Line, Rethink & Wellness Education Library.”
Created in conjunction with rival-but-not-really, Twitter, ORWEL is an extension of the popular third-party “Fact-Checker” filters you’ve already enjoyed on their social media platforms. You’ve seen them if you have irrational friends or family — or ever accidentally posted an unpopular or pro-Trump comment about the 2020 election, “THIS CLAIM ABOUT ELECTION FRAUD IS DISPUTED”
“Moving forward, we are ramping up the censo– I mean ‘helpful corrections’ across all our platforms!” crowed Ty Gnee Dickerson. “The year 2020 has given us many gifts, and it has also helped clarified our mission.”
“Facebook and Twitter both have a moral obligation to use our social media monopoly to reshape public discourse. We ultimately hope to silence ‘badspeak’ in every form. Whether it’s a trigger word, unpopular political idea, or archaic religious notion. When our devices hear it, we will shut it down, immediately! At first, the corrections will be mild. A pop-up will appear, a beep will sound, and a gentle voice will tell you what you said was wrong. After that, the corrections can get increasingly more aggressive.”
The Lair’s Lair contacted the company to inquire what was meant by, “more aggressive” but they could not be reached for comment. Our inside source caught a glance at the source code and told us there appeared to be subroutines which enabled various levels of electric shock followed by automated calls to 9-1-1. A janitor at the facility told us one manger was gleeful over a Biden and Kamala Harris presidency since they believed it might open the door to the possibility of reeducation camps.
That would be a kindness. As we know, free speech is only FREE if it’s POPULAR. So say we all.
Amazon is said to have a similar feature in the works for their Alexa and Echo devices.