Executive Order: Fast-Food Drive-Thru Windows Declared Health Hazard

WASHINGTON DC – President Joe Biden has signed his 33rd Executive Order going into the weekend effectively banning fast-food drive-thru windows. Democrats have submitted similar bills in the past, however, the GOP has fought any such efforts. Even now, the Democrat Controlled House and Senate have been unable to pass such a bill due to GOP interference. President Joe Biden is proving he has a knack for skipping over the messy business of law-making and making things happen with the power of the pen!

“Trump famously ate nothing but fast food and it’s clear he’s the blame for any rise in heart attacks and American obesity.” White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki told the White House Press Corps. “If for no other reason, we hope this makes Trump’s life a living hell because he can no longer use drive-thru’s to get his junk-food fix.”

The NAACP applauds the move. “Fast Food is racist!” said spokesperson Heather White. “Can you name ONE black fast food mascot? The Burger King and Wendy are so white they are transparent, and don’t get me started on Ronald the clown in white-face! Fast food conglomerations are getting rich off the backs of minorities who work and eat there!”

In short, Executive Order 14017 states,

“Whereas we recognize the value of cheap food in a time where Americans and illegal immigrants are in lockdown. Whereas we believe a larger crisis to be heart disease and obesity. Whereas President Joe Biden has been counseled by Dr. Jill Biden, and guided by the wisdom of our fabulous Assistant Health Secretary, Dr. Rachel Levine. Whereas this Administration believes Fast Food to be the next National Health Crisis.

“It is hereby declared drive-through pickup windows for the purpose of making food available to customers in cars are a danger to the health of the nation and thus illegal as of May 1st 2021.”

Under the order, it appears restaurants can still make and serve food – where allowed under local COVID-19 restrictions. They can also deliver food via Uber Eats, DoorDash and other services. They simply must not hand food directly to their customers through a drive through window.

Asked about the new policy Assistant Health Secretary Dr. Rachel Levine said, “American’s have to look in the mirror and be honest about what they see. We can no longer pretend that we aren’t walking around with a chubby… I mean …being fat. We have to face up to what we are and do something about it.”

Senator Nancy Pelosi is on record supporting the ban, however, cell phone footage of her driving through In-and-Out Burger has surfaced. Her office has declined comment.

Senators Chuck Shumer and Joe Manchin co-sponsored similar legislation last year to help fight the obesity and general unhealthiness of Americans. Joe Manchin’s home state of West Virginia was recently selected The Unhealthiest State in America. At the time Manchin said, “If West Virginia citizens want to be fat then they are at least going to have to get out of their cars to do it. We are not going to make it any easier for them to be any fatter than they already are. Walking to get their meals is often the only exercise some citizens get all day.”

Groups like PETa and GreenPeace and Vegans R US are applauding the Biden Administration for taking such bold steps. “If we can’t eat meat, no one should be allowed to!”

UPDATE: Drive-through windows for Medical Marijuana Dispensaries do not seem to be on Joe Biden’s radar.

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