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Holy Whopper! Burger King to Baptise Animals Before Slaughter

The movement by U.S. Food Corporation toward more humane treatment of animals experienced a whopper of a shift Tuesday when 7th Ranked, Burger King, announced Tuesday it will require all of its eggs, beef, and pork will come from baptized and religious bred chickens, cows, and pigs by 2021.

The unusual decision by one of the world’s top ten fast-food restaurants raises the fast-food bar for restaurants seeking to appeal to the rising consumer demand for more humanely produced fare. Two years ago, Burger King’s stock took a nose-dive when their meat substitute burgers were largely ignored. Who knew it would be a waste of money to sink billions in profit to appease professional social media whiners who were not even customers.

Now, the company is courting religious groups who feel secure knowing that the animals being slaughtered to make their Whoppers and chicken tenders go to Heaven.

“Pigs, chickens, and cows will now be getting the chance to go to Heaven. They have a higher purpose than to be raised for cheap meals,” said Mark Clayton of All Critters Should Go To Heaven. “Burger King slaughters so many, many animals each year. Now, at least they will be responsible for sending millions of animals to Heaven.”

Rev. Scott Anderson said, “It is wonderful our barnyard friends will have a chance to join us in Heaven. It is also inspiring that humans will be eating blessed meat. If an animal has been blessed by Holy Water, the human devouring it will be devouring blessings! Now, milk won’t just do your body good, it will do your soul good. This little change could create a kinder, gentler race of humans. The effect of eating blessed meat may create a pure and more caring human race.”

The move also gives Burger King absolution with religious consumers who were turned away by their recent ad campaign where the Burger King character was shown sharing a kiss with Ronald McDonald. They also hope to cut into Chick-fil-a’s religious monopoly …at least on Sunday.

Man praying at Burger King

Burger President Mark Graven said, “For years Chick-fil-a has acted like they are moral superstars because they close on Sundays, but how many of their chickens will actually be going to Heaven? And the Golden Arches? Our animals will be going through The Pearly Gates! Our burgers will even be whiter-than-snow than White Castle burgers!

Joking aside, Graven said, “This shows that we care about the quality of our food. It is not enough for our beef to be grade A quality, we want our food to be of the highest moral quality as well. Our food will come from God-fearing and God-worshipping pigs, cows, and chickens.”

The animals will not only be baptized but will have recorded Bible scriptures read to them by James Earl Jones each night. They will also be given Last Rites at a religious service before being slaughtered.

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