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Topless Mining

In a striking decision last Thursday, U.S. District Judge Amy Norks overturned a federal ruling that banned topless mining by Twin Mountains Coal Company in Kentucky.

In a long 36 page rant, err… RULING; Judge Norks pontificated, “This was a hard decision. Blah, blah blah, something, something… the last judge was a boob!”

When asked for comment, Kentucky Coal Association President Dan Full said, “Judge Amy made two points that I support 100%! The lawyers in the case went back and forth so much I thought the final ruling was going to be a tit for tat kinda thing. But at the last minute, the judge tugged at the last remaining arguement and removed all doubt. It was a glorious thing to see!” He then took a victory lap around the courthouse, shouting, “Woohoo!!”

Twin Mountains Coal Company was first granted a Topless Mining Permit in October of 2019 by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. At the time, a company press release said the mine would have employed more than 230 topless miners.

Melon Bristols, an environmentalist wacko who wasn’t so happy about the ruling whined, “As someone that has witnessed [topless mining] first hand, I can only see this ruling as a cold shoulder to the community.”

The Lair’s Lair could not locate any topless miners for interview…

[CORRECTION] It has come to this editor’s attention that the subject of Judge Norks’ ruling was not, in fact, “Topless Mining” but “Mountain Top Removal”. For that, we apologize and hope someone puts a shirt back on the mountain soon.

…the night air can get a little nippy.

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