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Who is Jack Schitt?

He’s certainly not new to the DC area. In fact, he’s been in local and national politics for as long as anyone can remember. Everyone seems to know his name, but few really know who he is.

Who is this mover and shaker in American politics? Where does he come from and what makes him the most powerful, behind-the-scenes person in our nation’s capital? The Liar’s Lair has the exclusive!

Jack Schitt is the long-time president of the secretive Bureaucrat Brotherhood, local DC union chapter #1D-10-T, giving him the ear of nearly every congressman and woman on The Hill. Rumor has it, not one stupid law gets passed that hasn’t passed by Jack and received the Schitt stamp of approval.

But just who IS Jack Schitt?

In full disclosure, we assumed this was going to be a simple puff piece. But in the course of our investigation, we were often hushed by frightened interns who whispered, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!”

Believe us, we’ve heard that a lot!

Like most powerful men and women in politics, he prefers to remain a mystery. But thanks to our digging through obscure genealogies and old newspaper clippings, we can tell you everything we know …and more!

Jack Schitt is the only son of a Mrs. Awe Schitt of Bullock County, Georgia. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Gneadeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, if anyone ever says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” you can look them in the eye and tell them, “I know a lot of Schitt!”

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